Monday, January 4, 2010

Scared, who will I be and can I continue the Journey to the end.

I have been severely overweight all of my life or the medical term morbidly obese. I was 38kg or 84lb when I was six years old I was tested then for thyroid and other conditions they found nothing. At 48 years old after trying to control my weight all of my life, yes I meant control my weight because my weight has either been going up or going down, I have never stayed steady.

I have finally found the key.

I truly believed I would have to starve and workout all day everyday to lose weight and I never contemplated maintenance, because I never got to maintenance there was always something that would interrupt the program I was on and I tried them all Weight Watches were they had a pig pen, Duromine prescribed by a specialist (a drug that I became hooked on its a type of speed), acupuncture and a highly restricted diet. I paid thousands of dollars to participate in Optifast Clinical trials and after putting myself through restrictive calories, drugs and supplements the questions were always the same, you should be losing weight quicker, you haven't lost enough, why is your blood work so good, why don't you have high blood pressure, why don't you have a high sugar reading or high cholesterol, why are you not losing weight at the correct pace you must be cheating or eating food you shouldn't, nobody puts weight on that fast and the list went on. It was like I was in a nightmare and nobody would believe me that something was wrong and I was different. I questioned my willpower and commitment, I didn't understand I did everything they told me to do and it still wasn't enough. I had lost some weight and it was still not enough the weight would come back on and more in a very short period of time. People labeled me I was a failure I had no willpower I was lazy and stupid and I started to believe them.

I have to be thankful for the research dollars that have gone into heart disease and diabetes because without this research I would not have found the key insulin resistance I have talked about this discovery in previous blogs. If I have found the key why am I so scared.

I have lost a significant amount of weight but not nearly enough for me to be classed as healthy but I am feeling comfortable too comfortable. I don't get out of puff so easily I am swimming a mile 4 times a week at least, I can buy clothes off the rack and I don't have any fluid retention. I am scared that I will not have the incentive to want to keep going, I am so used to being overweight I don't really know any different. I haven't been under 200lb or 100kg for 30 years this is who I am I don't know who the normal size woman is, I don't know if I am brave enough to meet with her. She has been a fantasy of mine for a long time but I am not sure if I have the strength or willpower to make my fantasy a reality. Will it change who I am, will I like the new me, will other people like the new me. What will I look like I have got used to this face and body, will I have to have surgery because of loose skin. If I continue this journey I will have to face up to these questions and I may not like the answers. It would be so much easier and a lot less scary to just maintain were I am comfortably overweight.

I can already here the encouragement of my friends and well meaning people. I can here myself saying you need to do this and you can do this. This is my very personal journey and I am very frightened of what my future holds because I now have the key. I have no real excuses anymore I know what I have to do to become the person in my fantasy but I still have a lot of layers to peel off and unfold before I get there.

I have to be brave and continue on this journey but I need to acknowledge that i have fear of the unknown. I have changed my internal self talk to be positive about the outcome of my weight loss, and whatever I confront as the doors of my jail are opened I will deal with it and whatever challenges me as the layers of my protection are dissolved I will handle easily with the help of my friends.

I have no reason to be scared of who I will be because I will be me.

Thank you and have a great day


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dancing with the Devil

I have recognised some of the foods that cause me a lot of problems controlling my weight. Mainly white and processed foods all the simple carbohydrates grains and root vegetables sugar bread potatoes etc. I am well aware that these foods cause major fluid retention and fat storage in my body but for some reason every now and again I have to throw out everything I know and consume these foods, sometimes in large quantities. Am I just checking to see if by some miracle I have been cured and can now eat these foods or am I throwing a tantrum and saying I am going to eat them anyway or am I self sabotaging because I am scared of the new me and the new healthy lifestyle that I am practising that is actually working for the first time in my life, I may even be able to join that exclusive group that are not obese.

I know I like new things and excitement in my life but do I really need to see the scale jump by over 2kg or 5lb overnight and then take over a week to drop back again.

I have no portion control when it comes to these foods especially sugar and if I buy it I will always eat it all in one sitting or I will wear the fridge door out going back and forward until it is all gone. I don't know why I do this I am convinced it is psychological some sort of deprivation issue from my childhood with some physical symptoms thrown in for good measure for example my insulin spiking and creating severe hunger pains or feeling like I have a hangover from sugar overload.

Any sensible person you would think would avoid food that they know makes them feel ill and stacks on the weight just looking at it and for the most part I do, but every now and then the need for comfort or somebody offers food or gives me food that I know I shouldn't eat, I will use all the excuses in the book, I don't want to offend or it doesn't really matter, I will be right I have been so good a little bit won't hurt.

I am here and now recognising that I can't eat these foods at anytime, really they are poison to my system they make me ill, they store in my body as fat and they have been slowly killing me all of my life. They have been my silent enemy its like fighting something that you don't know is there, you can't see it or hear it and you definitely can't hit back. But I know my enemy now the light has been switched on and I can see into all the corners of the room. I have educated myself and experienced the devastation that these foods cause me and my weightloss journey it is time to banish them once and for all. Some people can eat any food as long as they portion control and count calories I can't and I need to accept this as my reality, I have had enough experience over the last 10 months of the problems that these foods cause me.

I think this relates to lots of things in my life and I really need to start protecting myself and saying no to doing things I don't want to do and feeling guilty for being different and to stop hiding behind I am allergic or diabetic. I need to be honest with myself and others and say those foods do not agree with me and I can't eat them and get over the fact that this is the way it is otherwise I will never be truly free to be who I want to be.

Weigh in info I have had a low weight of 138.3kg or 304lb so close to going under 300lb I am looking forward to that day I have set a goal of having lost 30kg or 66lb by New Year very achievable.

Have a great day


Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Milestones and Victories

Its a part of life to celebrate milestones and victories and as a part of the weight loss journey its very important. The celebrations help with motivation and the victories remind you of why you are making weight loss a part of your life.

This week a made a milestone I weighed in at 139.5kg or 307lb this means I have lost over 27kg or 60lb. This is one of the goals I had set so I have achieved that goal. My next goal will be to go under 300lb I don't worry about how long it takes to get there as long as I am always moving in the right direction. Because I have decided I will never see that weight on my scales again this is the last time I am going to do this so it doesn't matter how long it takes, speed is not my priority I want to lose the weight and never see it again. Losing weight quickly has never been successful for me and in the past I have used pills and potions, not this time I have made a plan and I am sticking to it.

I have had a few victories this month, I was able to wear what I call do up pants you might laugh but do ups are serious. I have been wearing pull ups for so long you would think that I was a slow learner in potty training. Doing up a button on pants that I couldn't even get up at the beginning of the year was exciting and worthy of note, I also had a work Christmas dinner to attend and I got a dress out to wear that I had never worn and it was too big, way too big there is no way I could have warn it, so I went down to the these don't fit yet section of the wardrobe (I have always got clothes that I have bought that are too small, always purchased with the idea that I will lose weight)and found a dress I thought I would try, put it on and it was a little bit tight but I could get away with it. When I arrived at the dinner I was greeted with heaps of compliments and soaked it up and had a great time.

You really have to celebrate these victories and use them as motivation to keep going on the journey to be healthier. I am back swimming nearly everyday and the pleasure and confidence I get from being able to swim that bit further or that bit faster makes my day. Exercise makes you feel so much better life is hard and you add on trying to lose weight you need all the help you can get, regular exercise makes you feel in control and powerful and it gives you plenty of encouragement by showing you how much your body has improved on a regular basis.

This journey is long and difficult I found the best way to keep continuing is to have realistic goals celebrate the victories and give the people around you an opportunity to help and support you. Small goals add up I was very daunted by what I needed to lose to get to my goal weight so I have broken it down into 5 kilo or 10lb goals I don't look at the end I just look at the next 5 kilo's that I have to lose and if it takes me a month or two months it doesn't matter, as long as I am focused on reaching the next milestone.

The New Year will be here soon and I know its going to be a really great one full of milestones and victories to celebrate and lots of support from my friends. I am really confident that I am on the right track now and this year has taught me a great deal about myself and about what I want and need and what I have to do to get what I want.

There is only one real answer eat well and exercise, now that I have found the answer the sky is the limit.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year


Saturday, November 21, 2009

My Heart is Broken

This blog is personal but I believe today I need to talk about how I am feeling and I need to heal. I can't move on successfully without getting this off my chest and owning up to how I feel and creating a new mind tape. I have taken an idea off one of the blogger's I read thanks Sean. I need to create a new mind tape but to do that I have to admit to the old one.

It has taken me over 4 years to admit to myself that my heart is broken and it is holding me back. Four and a half years ago I was very happy I had gone through a couple of hard years but I had found somebody that I loved and who loved me. He was a bit rough around the edges and had some medical problems but he was honest, loyal, fierce and vulnerable. He loved his family and his friends and most of all he loved me, he needed me and I helped him. At the same time I loved him, needed him and he helped me. We had plans, big plans and little plans and most of all we had plans to spend our lives together. I was excited happy and looking forward to my future at 44 I had found my first love and it was special especially to me.

Then the worst thing happened he became terminally ill the prognosis was bad 3 to 6 months not enough time, we had only just found each other its not fair don't take him now he is my life my world. I didn't even get that long 5 weeks, 5 weeks of hospital's drugs radiation and chemo therapy if anything we became closer as I nursed him and then he was gone. I was so mad at him for dying and at the same time so grateful that he was finally at peace, I was so conflicted and the ultimate question what about me, my life as I new it had disappeared and my old life before John had come back, in some ways it felt like I had dreamed it all and then reality would hit and the fact that he was gone and I was still here would create a physical pain I had never known.

I spent the next 12 months numb trying to make sense of it all grieving crying needing somebody to try and understand. My friends were amazing my family did not know what to do, did not know what I needed and I didn't have the strength or the words to tell them so they did nothing and ignored what happened. This hurt it really hurt I have trouble still trying to understand why they think ignoring my pain helps. I felt very alone and yes contemplated ending it all for about 30 sec and decided that wasn't for me.

Even so I feel like I have died inside I am living my life I am making goals and achieving them. I have travelled I have gone back to University I have even lost 26 kilo's But I feel dead inside nothing means anything anymore I have to force excitement I have to force myself out of bed in the morning, I feel like it doesn't matter what I do nobody really cares if I get out of bed or if the dishes are done or if I wash my hair. Everybody else is living their lives and I am just going through the motions I feel that I have no real future that my life will be just about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through.

Sometimes I wish that the short time I had with John never existed so that I really didn't know how good life could be, I wouldn't know what I was missing. I miss him everyday, I think of him everyday I hurt for him everyday. I am here on this earth but its just an existence I am definitely not living.

I know I need to feel grateful and there are a lot of people that are a lot worse off than me. Knowing this doesn't seem to make it any easier I keep asking why am I here what is the point what am I suppose to be what job has the universe got for me to do. Why do I have to do it all alone.

Somebody else I know who is also grieving talked about their need for an island somewhere they can just be, his has become the gym a very good place to get back your balance, mine has been my home I hideaway behind a facade that everything is alright but I know its not I need to spend more time with people. I know I am not contributing to the community, I know I am not connecting with people. Ultimately I think I am scared, I don't think I would survive going through that amount of pain again. I have distanced myself from my family and I am scared to make new friends I use my weight as an excuse a barrier to keep people at a distance. I need to shed the layers and find the person who is really under there I need to feel again and the weight and food creates a numbness it protects and medicates me I need to feel alive again.

I need to make positive steps in my life to mend my heart I know the scar will always be there but I need to try again I need to start with loving myself and creating positive dialogue about myself and my abilities and that the universe has lots of good and exciting things for me to discover. I need to leave the self doubt behind and see the world with a new coat of paint and a spring clean.

I will be proud of myself I will do good things and good things will come to me I will believe that life is worth living and you create your own destiny

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Excercise Excercise Ugh!!!!

Lets get over the serious stuff first Weigh in 141Kg or 310lb, under 300 is not far away. This last weight loss journey of mine because it will be my last I have very small goals and no time limit. Some people set themselves a time to lose a certain amount of weight that does not work for me. I found this out trying to do some of the Sparkpeople challenges in my team I didn't cope with the time limits for some reason my body loses weight in Chunks and plateaus or even goes up in between. I weigh myself every day this keeps me accountable but I don't worry too much about what it says as I know that my weight can fluctuate up to 3 kilo's or 6lb overnight I just put it down to that's interesting and keep at it I have become very accepting of my strengths and weaknesses and I play to my strengths and keep away from my weaknesses. This is not a competition in how good my willpower is, its about learning about myself and accepting who I'am and dealing with why I feel the need to eat to excess and what it means to me to lose weight be healthy and deal with emotions in a different way.

Exercise this is the first thing I let go when I get stressed or short of time and the weird part is that I really enjoy exercise. It makes me feel so much better I like the feeling of being fit and energetic. I like feeling strong and I have a competitive nature. I believe its because I was always a big girl so there was no real expectation of me to do well at sport and that meant that I don't have any expectations that I will succeed at an exercise program.

My parents followed my younger brothers sport because they had the potential for playing the higher grades and playing for Australia which they did, because there was no expectation of me to do well I wasn't followed or given the attention I craved so when it comes to exercise I have no real expectation of doing well or receiving attention for my efforts I find exercise a chore because I feel there is no reward I need to change my way of thinking and understand the reward that exercise will give me in this time of my life. I don't need to be good at it or be the fastest the most skilled the one that wins the game. I just need to do it and the reward will come, the reward will be a personal best the feeling of being strong and fit, the only person I need to compete with is myself.

Do you have that feeling everybody is looking at me, I don't look right in workout clothes, why am I out in public puffing and panting sweating getting a rash in all sorts of places and feeling really uncomfortable and out of place. I shouldn't be here I don't fit in with the rest I am making a spectacle of myself. I will never be able to do that well enough I am not this sort of person I don't work out its too hard why am I doing this to myself. I know exactly how you feel but remember it won't always be like this you will get better and be better ask for help employ a personal trainer for a few sessions if you can, just start and make sure you tell people what you are doing and you will find you will get plenty of help and advice and encouragement, there are some really good people out there that are only too happy to help.

Exercise is essential in a weight loss program but it needs to suit you and your lifestyle and you need to be able to do it forever, there are all kinds of exercise you can do for some it will be moving more, for others it will be dedicating 30mins a day to walk, for others it will be some type of gym. The benefits of exercise far outweigh all the excuses we can find not to do it and it really needs to be a part of our lives if we are to keep the weight off.

I like to swim and I got back into the pool today after not swimming for a month or so my only excuse is that I have been studying and working but I realise more and more that just because I have a very strange expectation that I have to be good at it to do it. I must schedule exercise as a part of my life. I don't have to be the best I just have to do it.

Have a great day


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Keep on Keeping on

I wanted to talk about being able to continue the journey of weight loss and how do I keep going everyday without throwing in the towel. How do I keep it as a priority everyday when life can get in the way.

It has been a tough month for me and I am sure that everybody has these I have been back at University for a couple of months and I have one month to go its a very intensive way of doing things they cram a lot of work into a very short period of time and as always I had the best intentions for the semester and started off really well for the first month started slipping badly in the second month so here I am now having to put some serious work in for the last month were I have assessment due and exams to sit.

Weight loss can be like this as well the one thing that I let slip is my exercise it seems to be the one thing that I let go as soon as things get a bit tough and really its the one thing I should make sure is a part of my daily schedule like getting out of bed or having a shower. Because I always feel better after, very positive the endorphins check in and things look great for the rest of the day.

I have struggled this month with life in general, getting me into situations I would much rather avoid, being late with assessment not as switched on at work and not doing any where near enough exercise so I will now have to start again with my fitness. Is this a big reason why I am overweight or does being overweight contribute to the anxiety and depression maybe this is a question for the scientific researchers. Does my personality contribute to me being overweight or does the fact that I am overweight contribute to the feelings of anxiety and depression.

I have a stubborn streak and I am sure it contributes to the situations I get into and it is not good for my weight loss as well as being a problem for my health as my body does not like certain foods. I have all the best intentions to lose weight and be healthy but sometimes I break out I get what I call stubborn and I go well why can't I eat what I want to why can't I have that cheese cake or chocolate bar I deserve a treat just like anybody else I am sick of this and I break out as I did yesterday and I am paying for it today. Is this just the child in us throwing a tantrum and stamping our feet and feeling really silly for being so obnoxious and indulgent. I think it is exactly what I do every binge is just throwing a tantrum against the world and all those tantrums do is hurt me but then again sometimes I need to express how I am feeling I just need a better way of doing it.

Recognising that's what we are doing helps allot and next time when I decide to throw a tantrum I need to do it differently, call a friend, put on some really loud music do some exercise yell at the traffic I need to find a better way of expressing my feelings and anxiety because shoving inappropriate food in my mouth is not working for me.

My weight loss journey has been full of surprises, I have been focusing on myself and why I do things and how I use food for a lot of other things not just as nutrition. It can be a little uncomfortable facing things about yourself you had ignored or had swept under the carpet. If I want to be successful I have to face a lot of those things that are uncomfortable because eating has been my way of hiding them and if I am not hiding the things that make me feel uncomfortable with food I have to find another way to deal with emotions and situations that I normally would use food to deal with.

My attitude is that I may have a day every now and again that I don't do so well with my calories and what I eat but if I can have more days doing well living a healthy lifestyle eating foods that I know are good for me and doing some deliberate exercise I will string a few of them together and then a week and then a month it has been about six weeks now since the last time so with a bit of luck over a period of time my indulgences will be kept for special occasions and not be a regular occurrence.

So to improve my health and lose the weight I want to lose I needs to just Keep on Keeping on, make changes when I need to and remember what I have learned about myself and living a healthy lifestyle and practice being healthy everyday.

Have a great day


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Weigh In Post 2

I have been able to record that kick start I weighed in at 142.8 kilo's or 314lb. I must admit this is pretty normal for me I tend to lose weight in chunks and because I haven't really lost anything for about a month this is not surprising. I have started to do some regular exercise again and this has probably helped.

The one thing that you do need to be aware of is to adjust how much you are eating as you lose weight. This week it has been the rotisserie chicken one of my favourites I have had to give it up I always overeat when I get it and I never take the skin off and obviously I have lost enough weight that it has now become a problem. So I have now taken it out of the calorie equation I have kept avocado and cheese in I have done this because I know the chicken is a problem for me and keeping my potion size under control.

Some people can control their portions no matter what the food is I can't I have a couple of foods that I really struggle with so I choose not to eat those particular foods. This is not for everybody but it works for me.

As a part of my journey I found that my weight loss had stop ed and my weight was actually going up even though I was sticking to my calorie count and doing some exercise this has happened before, so I started doing some investigation and it had been mentioned before by a friend and by others trying to lose weight it was called insulin resistance. A lot of my family suffer from type 2 diabetes's including 2 siblings a brother and a sister and some more distance relatives suffered from type 1 diabetes. I am not diabetic but I had 24 out of 26 of the symptoms of insulin resistance. This means that I am a candidate for type 2 diabetes and that some foods are a problem for me they create like an allergic reaction inside my body and I create too much insulin. To find this out at 48 it was a great eureka moment and at the same time it was why didn't anybody tell me about this before my life could have been so different.

Having this insulin resistance problem means that I have to be careful with certain foods. No Sugar or Grains in any form I also have to eliminate potato and be careful with other root vegetables. I have been able to re-introduce brown rice to my diet but definitely not white rice. I am careful with fruit No high carbohydrate fruits like banana's or melon's I stick to berries apples and citrus but only 3 small serves a day and always with protein to counteract the sugar. This new way of eating has made such a difference in my life I feel so much better I don't get the emotional highs and lows and my fluid retention has reduced significantly, my weight loss has been very regular since I started this new way of eating. I do have a relapse every now and again but the scale reminds me why it is a problem if I do indulge in foods I shouldn't and it takes about 2 weeks to fix it.

I started this blog talking about food I have trouble with so I avoid that particular food because I know I have no control its all or nothing, others seem to be able to indulge certain foods within their calorie range and therefore nothing is forbidden and then also the other extreme were they believe that they can never eat outside of a very strict diet. This is definitely a personal journey and you need to do what works for you and don't let anybody influence you in thinking that you need to do it differently or my favourite "a little bit wont hurt or you have been so good you should have a reward"" I made it especially for you or eat up I don't want any of it left or don't you like xxxx its my favourite" be polite but firm and that you are in control of what goes in your mouth. If it comes to the crunch you can always bring out the I am diabetic or allergic for emergencies

Have a great day