This blog is personal but I believe today I need to talk about how I am feeling and I need to heal. I can't move on successfully without getting this off my chest and owning up to how I feel and creating a new mind tape. I have taken an idea off one of the blogger's I read thanks Sean. I need to create a new mind tape but to do that I have to admit to the old one.
It has taken me over 4 years to admit to myself that my heart is broken and it is holding me back. Four and a half years ago I was very happy I had gone through a couple of hard years but I had found somebody that I loved and who loved me. He was a bit rough around the edges and had some medical problems but he was honest, loyal, fierce and vulnerable. He loved his family and his friends and most of all he loved me, he needed me and I helped him. At the same time I loved him, needed him and he helped me. We had plans, big plans and little plans and most of all we had plans to spend our lives together. I was excited happy and looking forward to my future at 44 I had found my first love and it was special especially to me.
Then the worst thing happened he became terminally ill the prognosis was bad 3 to 6 months not enough time, we had only just found each other its not fair don't take him now he is my life my world. I didn't even get that long 5 weeks, 5 weeks of hospital's drugs radiation and chemo therapy if anything we became closer as I nursed him and then he was gone. I was so mad at him for dying and at the same time so grateful that he was finally at peace, I was so conflicted and the ultimate question what about me, my life as I new it had disappeared and my old life before John had come back, in some ways it felt like I had dreamed it all and then reality would hit and the fact that he was gone and I was still here would create a physical pain I had never known.
I spent the next 12 months numb trying to make sense of it all grieving crying needing somebody to try and understand. My friends were amazing my family did not know what to do, did not know what I needed and I didn't have the strength or the words to tell them so they did nothing and ignored what happened. This hurt it really hurt I have trouble still trying to understand why they think ignoring my pain helps. I felt very alone and yes contemplated ending it all for about 30 sec and decided that wasn't for me.
Even so I feel like I have died inside I am living my life I am making goals and achieving them. I have travelled I have gone back to University I have even lost 26 kilo's But I feel dead inside nothing means anything anymore I have to force excitement I have to force myself out of bed in the morning, I feel like it doesn't matter what I do nobody really cares if I get out of bed or if the dishes are done or if I wash my hair. Everybody else is living their lives and I am just going through the motions I feel that I have no real future that my life will be just about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through.
Sometimes I wish that the short time I had with John never existed so that I really didn't know how good life could be, I wouldn't know what I was missing. I miss him everyday, I think of him everyday I hurt for him everyday. I am here on this earth but its just an existence I am definitely not living.
I know I need to feel grateful and there are a lot of people that are a lot worse off than me. Knowing this doesn't seem to make it any easier I keep asking why am I here what is the point what am I suppose to be what job has the universe got for me to do. Why do I have to do it all alone.
Somebody else I know who is also grieving talked about their need for an island somewhere they can just be, his has become the gym a very good place to get back your balance, mine has been my home I hideaway behind a facade that everything is alright but I know its not I need to spend more time with people. I know I am not contributing to the community, I know I am not connecting with people. Ultimately I think I am scared, I don't think I would survive going through that amount of pain again. I have distanced myself from my family and I am scared to make new friends I use my weight as an excuse a barrier to keep people at a distance. I need to shed the layers and find the person who is really under there I need to feel again and the weight and food creates a numbness it protects and medicates me I need to feel alive again.
I need to make positive steps in my life to mend my heart I know the scar will always be there but I need to try again I need to start with loving myself and creating positive dialogue about myself and my abilities and that the universe has lots of good and exciting things for me to discover. I need to leave the self doubt behind and see the world with a new coat of paint and a spring clean.
I will be proud of myself I will do good things and good things will come to me I will believe that life is worth living and you create your own destiny
Ann
