Monday, January 4, 2010

Scared, who will I be and can I continue the Journey to the end.

I have been severely overweight all of my life or the medical term morbidly obese. I was 38kg or 84lb when I was six years old I was tested then for thyroid and other conditions they found nothing. At 48 years old after trying to control my weight all of my life, yes I meant control my weight because my weight has either been going up or going down, I have never stayed steady.

I have finally found the key.

I truly believed I would have to starve and workout all day everyday to lose weight and I never contemplated maintenance, because I never got to maintenance there was always something that would interrupt the program I was on and I tried them all Weight Watches were they had a pig pen, Duromine prescribed by a specialist (a drug that I became hooked on its a type of speed), acupuncture and a highly restricted diet. I paid thousands of dollars to participate in Optifast Clinical trials and after putting myself through restrictive calories, drugs and supplements the questions were always the same, you should be losing weight quicker, you haven't lost enough, why is your blood work so good, why don't you have high blood pressure, why don't you have a high sugar reading or high cholesterol, why are you not losing weight at the correct pace you must be cheating or eating food you shouldn't, nobody puts weight on that fast and the list went on. It was like I was in a nightmare and nobody would believe me that something was wrong and I was different. I questioned my willpower and commitment, I didn't understand I did everything they told me to do and it still wasn't enough. I had lost some weight and it was still not enough the weight would come back on and more in a very short period of time. People labeled me I was a failure I had no willpower I was lazy and stupid and I started to believe them.

I have to be thankful for the research dollars that have gone into heart disease and diabetes because without this research I would not have found the key insulin resistance I have talked about this discovery in previous blogs. If I have found the key why am I so scared.

I have lost a significant amount of weight but not nearly enough for me to be classed as healthy but I am feeling comfortable too comfortable. I don't get out of puff so easily I am swimming a mile 4 times a week at least, I can buy clothes off the rack and I don't have any fluid retention. I am scared that I will not have the incentive to want to keep going, I am so used to being overweight I don't really know any different. I haven't been under 200lb or 100kg for 30 years this is who I am I don't know who the normal size woman is, I don't know if I am brave enough to meet with her. She has been a fantasy of mine for a long time but I am not sure if I have the strength or willpower to make my fantasy a reality. Will it change who I am, will I like the new me, will other people like the new me. What will I look like I have got used to this face and body, will I have to have surgery because of loose skin. If I continue this journey I will have to face up to these questions and I may not like the answers. It would be so much easier and a lot less scary to just maintain were I am comfortably overweight.

I can already here the encouragement of my friends and well meaning people. I can here myself saying you need to do this and you can do this. This is my very personal journey and I am very frightened of what my future holds because I now have the key. I have no real excuses anymore I know what I have to do to become the person in my fantasy but I still have a lot of layers to peel off and unfold before I get there.

I have to be brave and continue on this journey but I need to acknowledge that i have fear of the unknown. I have changed my internal self talk to be positive about the outcome of my weight loss, and whatever I confront as the doors of my jail are opened I will deal with it and whatever challenges me as the layers of my protection are dissolved I will handle easily with the help of my friends.

I have no reason to be scared of who I will be because I will be me.

Thank you and have a great day


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